March 4, 2007 ......

...the day I will never forget. It was Sunday morning. The boys were staying with Jeremy's parents in Meridian, and Jeremy was off work that day. (There was about a 10% chance that Jeremy should have been home that day.) We did not go to church because I had surgery on Tuesday of that week. The phone rang at 8:30 am. We were still in the bed. It was my sister, Boo, on the other end. "Sha," she said. "Yeah," I replied. I could tell something was wrong. "You know how Mom was sick..." she said. "Yeah," I said. "Well, she died," Boo replied. I sat straight up in the bed and screamed, "What!" and handed the phone to Jeremy. Boo said she could hear me making strange noises, and she didn't know if I was okay. Jeremy talked to Boo because I was in a state of shock. I remember Jeremy coming over to my side of the bed and said, "We're gonna get through this." I just kept thinking, "this can't be real. It has to be a dream."

Jeremy took my cell phone and starting calling my friends and letting them know. I went in the living room and sat in the recliner just staring, not really knowing what to say or do. One by one my sweet friends starting coming in the house and stayed with me, praying and encouraging me. They stayed about 2 hours.

We packed up and headed home. It finally hit me that it was real when we turned into the driveway, and I saw all the cars and people standing outside. I lost it when I saw my dad and my sister. He just kept saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I knew then that she really was gone.

Mom had come to my house on Tuesday of that week to help me out since I was having surgery on that day. She spent the night in the hospital with me and stayed at home with me until Friday, when she went back home because she had gotten a stomach virus. It started with Garrett that week. Mom went home to Meridian on Friday and the last time I talked to her was Saturday morning about 11:30. I called her a couple of times that day but couldn't get her. Dad came home late that night and talked to her. She had slept on the bathroom floor since Friday. (That's what she did when she was sick.) Dad went into the bathroom Sunday morning and was going to take her to the hospital, but she had already died. Dad called 911 and tried CPR. The coroner said she probably died around 6:00 that morning from cardiac arrest due to dehydration.

The past year has been bittersweet. There have some bad days, but mostly good days. I have a closer relationship with my dad and my sister and some other family members, but the most important relationship that has grown is the one with my Savior. I never thought I could have made it without my mom, but I know she is here - a part of her is in me. I find myself saying and doing things that she did. She was such a good mother and Nana. I used to call her sometimes 3 times a day to tell her something one of the boys did. That's what I miss is just talking to her (and her cleaning my house!) She would always come and help with the boys anytime I needed her.

In September 2006 I started a Precept bible study class at our church on Tuesday mornings. (It is awesome if you've never heard of it!) Anyway, we study the bible and discover truth for ourselves. I've been in church my whole life, but since the study I have started really learning truths for myself. It has changed my life. I can remember a few months after I started the bible study telling my leader, "I just can't wait to see what God has in store for me - why I'm learning all of this." Well, it was because God was preparing me for this. I know I could not have made it through this past year had I not been in God's Word BEFORE the "storm" happened.

For those of you who have been here for me and prayed for me the past year, I don't know how I could have made it without you either. One thing I've learned this year is that sometimes God allows us to go through valleys that can bring us closer to Him. We can choose to stay in that valley or we can choose to glorify the One who created us and knows all things. I choose the second one. You can still have joy even in the midst of your circumstances. We don't always know why God allows certain things to happen, but that's the Sovreignty of God. He can do anything He wants to do, He can see the big picture - I can't. I know that God knows what I'm going through because He has been there also. One verse that my sweet friend gave to me that I've held onto is Psalm 63:8, "My soul clings to You, Your right hand upholds me." I know that sounds so simple, but sometimes I have felt like I'm just "clinging" on about to fall, but His right hand upholds me. He never has and will never let me go!